The Choice is Always Entirely Up to You

I made a promise to my son that we would both write in our blogs once weekly. He started a blog for a scout project but I feel it's only right if he continues to write in it and so that means I probably should too.

There has been a quote that I've been meaning to share and add my personal "ruminations" on.

"If you really, really want to do something,

no one can stop you.

But if you really don't want to do something,

no one can help you.

The choice is always entirely up to you."

~James A. Owen

This quote has caused me some serious thought because it is so applicable in my life right now. Hopefully I can get those thoughts out adequately to share with you.

Those of my readers who know me, know that I have recently become the mother of a teenager. While things have intensified over the past year, he has always been like that and looking back so have all my kids and myself. However it stands out more now as his is becoming more defiant and feeling more entitled to privileges he has not earned but that is another story.

I was going to share a potty training story here. In fact I wrote it out in my rough draft notebook but as I continued to write I realized how long the post would end up being that I realized that I didn't need to include those thoughts. While they are thoughts I have had while thinking about this quote, they aren't the heart of what I am feeling, so I will continue my thoughts without the potty training stories.

While I am not including the stories I do want to include this paragraph: 

All the stories have a decision. A choice had to be made. It wasn't my choice to make, only to encourage. I'm sure every parent who has ever tried to get their child to do anything understands this principle and unfortunately it is where conflict arises. The will of the parent versus the will of the child. If the child wants to please the parent, no conflict arises, however if the opposite is true. . .. . 

Before I move on to the whole reason I am trying to internalize this quote and figure out how to encourage when help is wanted and to let go when I can't help without abandoning, I would like to share an example from myself.

I have always, for as long as I can remember, wanted to be a veterinarian. So it comes as no surprise that I planned my high school courses and my choice of college, in an attempt to go to vet school. When that chance happened, I leapt at it, even though it meant a lot more student debt than I had initially prepared for. Once there things were tougher than expected. I failed my first test in vet school. Failed. I never failed anything before in my life. You can bet I never failed again but I did lower my standards. Grading was on a pass/fail basis. I only needed to pass, so I did. I tried my hardest with balancing married life and 1, then 2 kids, and I passed. I, however, did share my concerns with a therapist hoping for some support and encouragement but instead got - well then maybe you should quit? What?! That was not what I wanted or what I was seeking, at all. I never went back to that therapist, or any other. No one was going to discourage me from my dream. I really, really wanted it and no one (or any other obstacle) was going to stop me.

That was an illustration of the first half of the quote. What I am going to describe now is the second half of the quote.

I have a 13 year-old son who is failing almost every subject in school. A feat that is unfathomable to both his father and I. He doesn't have much homework, it is almost all in class work. We have tried everything we can to encourage or discipline him and nothing works. What kills us is we know he can do the work, and can learn, and is smart. The proof is that going into the final exam of his science class last semester he had an F and after the final test the grade was a C. He learned. He knew the material. However, he allows himself to be distracted. I don't mean to say that he has an attention deficit, almost the opposite. He actually focuses his attention on something that interests him on something he likes to the point of completely ignoring anything going on around him, to the detriment of his schoolwork and housework. I love him. I want to see him succeed, but I can't do the work for him. The more I push/encourage or even punish, no matter my strategy, it seems to get worse - at school and at home. It makes me sad, frustrated, like a failure, and many more emotions. He even accused me the other day of not caring for him because I did not provide for his wants. I tried to explain to him that "his wants" are privileges that need to be earned by obeying certain rules of etiquette, particularly being kind to others and rules of the house to contribute productively to the household. He chooses not to. He really, really does no want to do something and I can't help him.

I believe deep down that this is not the life he wants but I can't provide the help he requires. The school is going to start offering psych services with his IEP. I feel lost. I don't know where to get the help he needs. I don't know if I could afford it either. So I am turning to the one I know can help me - Heavenly Father. It's a slow process. I don't talk much, to anyone. I can't say long prayers that bear my heart and soul, but I'm trying to let go and let God. I am trying to give him his wings so that he can fall but still be there for him and I don't know how to do that. I still expect certain things from him and I need him to see that not contributing to our household is not an option and not being kind to others is not an option. That is where our fights arise and I wish I could make him see, but I can't make his choices for him but I can only enforce the consequences, which leads to conflict. This house is full of conflict and turmoil. Conflict between me and him, him and his father, him and his brothers, him and his grandfather, and me and his father. All I can do is continue to endure this trial and give it to the Lord to help me carry - but neither part of that sentence is as easy as it feels it should be.

Once more thought before I go. I have been listening to a song lately that illustrates this principle and I want to share the chorus with you. The song is called "Send 'Em on Down the Road" sung by Garth Brooks.

"You can cry for 'em

Live and die for 'em

You can help them find their wings

But you can't fly for 'em

'Cause if they're not free to fall

Then they're not free at all

And though you just can't 

Bear the thought of letting go

You pick 'em up, you dust 'em off

You send 'em on down the road."