Craving to Recharge

This week I have felt particularly introverted. I ran across an article, "12 Things Every Introvert Wishes You Understood" that accurately describes how I feel as an introvert. Number 7, "or stuck up, for that matter", was a big issue I had while working in full service veterinary practice, while dealing with clients.

It is #2, "Craving downtime doesn't mean they're anti-social," that is particularly meaningful to me this week. The article goes on to explain: "Introverts need time to recharge, but they still want to be with their friends after they've snagged that alone time. They're not anti-social; they're selectively social."

That has been me this week. I need downtime. I crave downtime. Usually I am not particularly anti-social. I rarely turn down invitations to do something because, honestly, they are few and far between, enough so that I don't feel overwhelmed. Sometimes I wish I had more friends to just hang out or go to a movie with but that is a story for another time. This week I have turned down invitations. I have found myself retreating into myself this week.

There was a trigger, something that completely drained me, that led to this behavior. I finally feel okay sharing this with more than just my immediate family (although sharing it with more than I wanted to, drained me more than I wanted). On Monday morning I received a phone call from the school nurse. The news was that 'C' had had a seizure. For our own piece of mind, as he was perfectly fine, we picked him up and tried to get him seen by a doctor that day but unfortunately we were unable to get him in. We did take him to the doctor on Tuesday. Since there were no post-ictal (post seizure) signs and it wasn't grand mal the doctor concluded that it wasn't actually a seizure. It was an "event" (not known exactly what it was) but without any other signs and symptoms (and no other medical conditions) we are just going to watch for any other events.

I was forced into a craving to recharge almost immediately following the phone call and I didn't want to talk to any one, however due to the well-meaning actions of a family member I found myself talking about it before I was ready, which drained me even more. Just writing this out is draining.  I'm not recharged yet but hopefully will be soon, as I go about my daily life, and avoid anything that may drain me. I have found myself looking forward to this coming Saturday, as I get a day off and can sleep in.

So please forgive me if I seem distant and don't attend events; I'm just recharging.

The Choice is Always Entirely Up to You

I made a promise to my son that we would both write in our blogs once weekly. He started a blog for a scout project but I feel it's only right if he continues to write in it and so that means I probably should too.

There has been a quote that I've been meaning to share and add my personal "ruminations" on.

"If you really, really want to do something,

no one can stop you.

But if you really don't want to do something,

no one can help you.

The choice is always entirely up to you."

~James A. Owen

This quote has caused me some serious thought because it is so applicable in my life right now. Hopefully I can get those thoughts out adequately to share with you.

Those of my readers who know me, know that I have recently become the mother of a teenager. While things have intensified over the past year, he has always been like that and looking back so have all my kids and myself. However it stands out more now as his is becoming more defiant and feeling more entitled to privileges he has not earned but that is another story.

I was going to share a potty training story here. In fact I wrote it out in my rough draft notebook but as I continued to write I realized how long the post would end up being that I realized that I didn't need to include those thoughts. While they are thoughts I have had while thinking about this quote, they aren't the heart of what I am feeling, so I will continue my thoughts without the potty training stories.

While I am not including the stories I do want to include this paragraph: 

All the stories have a decision. A choice had to be made. It wasn't my choice to make, only to encourage. I'm sure every parent who has ever tried to get their child to do anything understands this principle and unfortunately it is where conflict arises. The will of the parent versus the will of the child. If the child wants to please the parent, no conflict arises, however if the opposite is true. . .. . 

Before I move on to the whole reason I am trying to internalize this quote and figure out how to encourage when help is wanted and to let go when I can't help without abandoning, I would like to share an example from myself.

I have always, for as long as I can remember, wanted to be a veterinarian. So it comes as no surprise that I planned my high school courses and my choice of college, in an attempt to go to vet school. When that chance happened, I leapt at it, even though it meant a lot more student debt than I had initially prepared for. Once there things were tougher than expected. I failed my first test in vet school. Failed. I never failed anything before in my life. You can bet I never failed again but I did lower my standards. Grading was on a pass/fail basis. I only needed to pass, so I did. I tried my hardest with balancing married life and 1, then 2 kids, and I passed. I, however, did share my concerns with a therapist hoping for some support and encouragement but instead got - well then maybe you should quit? What?! That was not what I wanted or what I was seeking, at all. I never went back to that therapist, or any other. No one was going to discourage me from my dream. I really, really wanted it and no one (or any other obstacle) was going to stop me.

That was an illustration of the first half of the quote. What I am going to describe now is the second half of the quote.

I have a 13 year-old son who is failing almost every subject in school. A feat that is unfathomable to both his father and I. He doesn't have much homework, it is almost all in class work. We have tried everything we can to encourage or discipline him and nothing works. What kills us is we know he can do the work, and can learn, and is smart. The proof is that going into the final exam of his science class last semester he had an F and after the final test the grade was a C. He learned. He knew the material. However, he allows himself to be distracted. I don't mean to say that he has an attention deficit, almost the opposite. He actually focuses his attention on something that interests him on something he likes to the point of completely ignoring anything going on around him, to the detriment of his schoolwork and housework. I love him. I want to see him succeed, but I can't do the work for him. The more I push/encourage or even punish, no matter my strategy, it seems to get worse - at school and at home. It makes me sad, frustrated, like a failure, and many more emotions. He even accused me the other day of not caring for him because I did not provide for his wants. I tried to explain to him that "his wants" are privileges that need to be earned by obeying certain rules of etiquette, particularly being kind to others and rules of the house to contribute productively to the household. He chooses not to. He really, really does no want to do something and I can't help him.

I believe deep down that this is not the life he wants but I can't provide the help he requires. The school is going to start offering psych services with his IEP. I feel lost. I don't know where to get the help he needs. I don't know if I could afford it either. So I am turning to the one I know can help me - Heavenly Father. It's a slow process. I don't talk much, to anyone. I can't say long prayers that bear my heart and soul, but I'm trying to let go and let God. I am trying to give him his wings so that he can fall but still be there for him and I don't know how to do that. I still expect certain things from him and I need him to see that not contributing to our household is not an option and not being kind to others is not an option. That is where our fights arise and I wish I could make him see, but I can't make his choices for him but I can only enforce the consequences, which leads to conflict. This house is full of conflict and turmoil. Conflict between me and him, him and his father, him and his brothers, him and his grandfather, and me and his father. All I can do is continue to endure this trial and give it to the Lord to help me carry - but neither part of that sentence is as easy as it feels it should be.

Once more thought before I go. I have been listening to a song lately that illustrates this principle and I want to share the chorus with you. The song is called "Send 'Em on Down the Road" sung by Garth Brooks.

"You can cry for 'em

Live and die for 'em

You can help them find their wings

But you can't fly for 'em

'Cause if they're not free to fall

Then they're not free at all

And though you just can't 

Bear the thought of letting go

You pick 'em up, you dust 'em off

You send 'em on down the road."

Sugar Smackdown!!

So my work launched a wellness committee last year and most of their activities take place at the location of the main offices and since I am considered a remote employee I have not been able to participate in any  of the activities. Well a couple of weeks ago they announced a new wellness challenge:

The Sugar Smackdown

Here is the information they emailed to us:

Wow, the average American consumes a whopping 22 teaspoons of sugar each day. This equates to 352 calories per day from sugar alone. 

This challenge is designed to draw attention to your daily intake of sugar. We are not asking you to record the grams of sugar you consume, but we are asking you to avoid certain well-known foods and beverages that are high in sugar.

How the program works – You will be watching your sugar intake for four weeks. You will only be asked to track Monday through Friday. While it’s not recommended that you “pig out” on sugar during the weekends, this is your time to have an occasional treat without losing any points!

When you sign up, you'll receive a goal sheet. Each day, you will simply place a check mark in the box(es) of the daily goals that you've completed. Each day's boxes total 10 points. If you can successfully complete all in one day, you earn a 5-point bonus, making your total for the day 15 points! 

Anyone who knows me knows that I like my sugar - candy, cookies, cake, etc, and I know that it is not healthy for me but it is something that I have always craved. So I went back and forth as to whether or not this was something I could actually do. I don't know if my will power will be strong enough and I didn't know what the 10 categories were and whether I could avoid them all (actually I assumed and still do that I wouldn't be able to get all the points available on each day, ever). 

 Then about a week ago I finally gave in to peer pressure and signed up for the challenge along with all my techs at the clinic. 

Here is the categories I can earn points in each day:

1. No soda, diet soda, energy drinks, sweetened fruit juices/drinks
2. No sweets or candy
3. No desserts
4. No high fructose corn syrup
5. No sweetened milk, milk products, or yogurt
6. No artificial sweeteners (natural, 0 calorie sweetener like stevia ok)
7. No added sugar (in coffee/tea or on cereal etc)
8. No dried or sweetened fruit (natural only)
9. No cereal or oatmeal with more than 6 grams sugar per serving
10. No protein or cereal bars with more than 8 grams sugar per serving.

They are only tracking Monday-Friday, so I can eat sugar on the weekends (good thing too with my son's 12th birthday coming up), but I am going to try really hard to cut back my intake of sugar and, hopefully, keep it up after the 4 week challenge is over. I think it will be good for me even if I think the sugar smackdown is overdoing it a bit.

Anybody who would like to join in with me is more than welcome too. I will hopefully journal about and/or blog about my journey during the challenge.

Wish me luck.

Not-so Perfect Parent

I know that I am not the perfect parent but I always have my kids' best interests at heart. However it hurts tremendously to have the fact that I am not perfect pointed out my others. Some things I have learned to accept in the intent in which they are given. Such as the school one year giving my kids coats because they thought they needed them not knowing that they had coats. The coats may have not be in perfect condition  but they worked. I finally accepted that that act was not an attack on my parenting skills but genuine kindness toward my kids.

This week I had a genuine attack on my parenting skills. What hurts the most about it is that the accuser did not feel they could talk to me. The problems pointed out were ones we were working on correcting and the accuser would of known that if they had bothered to talk to us first. While things have worked themselves out, I have lost trust. The problem is that I don't know who I cannot trust anymore and that makes me doubt some people, albeit momentarily, that I shouldn't have cause to doubt. I have never been concerned that much about what people think of me but now I have to think about it. I have to be the parent others want me to be and not the parent that I am.

I hope that those who love my children will always have the courage to address me directly if they see a problem. It may be a problem I am already addressing or even one that I could not see without the help of an outside viewer. So I send this plea out to the universe; please talk with me first about anything. Please do not go behind my back because that will hurt me worse than having you address me directly. I may be angry at first at the perceived attack but once I step back I will accept it with the love it was given. Hopefully my wishes will be respected.

Thank you

Remembrance

Please excuse me if this post seems disjointed and all over the place. You may have to be in my head to understand the connections.

Yesterday my cousin posted that it has been 7 years since my Grandpa died. My first thought was, "wow it has been 7 years" as I was thinking about how old Cole is. The reason I was thinking about how old Cole was is that I was pregnant with Cole when my Grandpa died unexpectedly in a tragic accident. It is the reason Cole has my Grandpa's middle name, Thomas. I will also share a special connection to this death and, this is perhaps the reason I was taken aback by my cousin's post, because the day they buried my Grandpa's ashes, Cole was born. At that time our family laid to rest family members in the family plot on or around Easter, that year it just happened to be the Saturday before Easter and the day that my little Cole was born. So I think of my Grandpa and how much I miss him so much more on Cole's birthday than the actual anniversary of his death.

Now back to my original train of thought. I also remember the time around which my Grandpa died because my Mom's birthday is just 3 days after it. I even remember my Grandma mentioning that they wouldn't forget her birthday and we did celebrate her birthday with my Dad's family at my Grandma's house.

Well that was another digress. The reason my cousin's post sat so uneasily with me is her and another cousin were mentioning fond memories of Grandpa and I couldn't help but me jealous. I do not have the close relationship with my extended family members - Grandpa, Grandma, aunts, uncles, cousins - that I wish I had. I felt closer to all of them while I was growing up but as an adult I feel left out all the time. The family members that I felt closest to growing up, I feel, hardly acknowledge me at all now. I know that they all have their own lives and I guess it sounds petty but I can't help these feelings. I know that it is mostly my fault because I don't reach out to them since I am so introverted that I actually get anxiety about picking up the phone and calling people. While I was growing up I never called any of my grandparents, it almost gave me an anxiety attack to do so. I am a bit better as a grown-up but I still have to 'psyc' myself up to call people I don't know or don't know well. One experience that caused me pain, not at the time but looking back and seeing their reactions to other like situations, is that I usually only had my immediate family visit me in the hospital after having a child. I know this sounds extremely petty but I can't help but feel left out. With the children I had in Colorado, I completely understand and this doesn't bug me, nor the one I had in Bozeman, but the one I had in Helena does. My grandma did get come to visit me in the hospital when I had Devon, my only extended family member to do so, and she did die last year, so I feel extremely blessed that I did get that visit but none of my aunts and uncles, who lived in the area visited at any time after Devon was born. I am sure I got their congratulations and maybe a card or a gift but I feel left out again.

I have never discussed these feelings with any of my family members because they are my feelings, my issues, and not their fault, so I don't want to make anyone feel bad. I just feel jealous of the relationships my extended family have with each other and I don't have that.

Now back to remembering. I posted a picture of a candle on Facebook that said to share if you were missing someone who is in heaven. Then I started to list all those I missed - Grandma, Grandpa, MeMe (my Great-Grandmother with whom I shared a name), etc. Then I added a comment remembering (great) Grandma Jessie, (great) Grandpa Bill. Then I added one more comment - I miss both of my Grandpas, not just the one who died 7 years ago but also the one who died 21 years ago, when I was 11. I had been thinking about my relationships with my family and so I remembered my relationship with my Grandpa Fell. I felt we had a really good one-on-one relationship. I enjoyed his company and doing things with him and while it was so long ago that the specifics have faded the feelings still remain. As I was thinking of him I could feel this hole in my heart because he never got to see me grow up, get married, have a family, accomplish my life-long dream, and it sucks. I know that he is in the spirit world and probably knows all those things but I don't get to know how he feels about it. I don't get to see the pride or love in his eyes, when I accomplished those things. So this morning I wrote this all in a journal entry but decided to do something that scared me and share it with you because I felt I needed to. I have also been going through tissues like crazy because those memories bring the tears with them.

Thank you to anyone who reads this. I don't have many who will and that is probably why I felt safe sharing, since my family probably won't even read this either.

Thanks for allowing me to air my feelings.

~L

Getting (Re) Started

So it has been a long while since I last posted on my blog. I don't think I have upset my followers as most of them are family or friends that I keep connected with through other forms of social media or *gasp* talking to in person or, in the case of long-distance family members, on the phone.

While I would really love to give you all a run down of my July this year - it was a doozy - I will have to save that for a later entry, perhaps I'll get a break at work or find time this evening. However I do want to share a thought I had this morning on my commute and that is that I need to get back into writing poetry. I used to love writing poetry and using that creative outlet helped my writing juices flow and I could write short prose and interesting journal entries and, perhaps now, interesting blog entries.

So I wrote a poem this morning that I would like to share now;

I'm Grateful for the Bus
Today. . . .
I'm grateful for the bus.
To get to work without a fuss.
Even though my truck won't run.
I can get more things done.
I can read a book,
and watch people with a look.
My thoughts I can write,
a new poem or feelings come to light.
Today I'm grateful for the bus
and for new experiences that come to us.



I know it is not much but for me it is a start. I'll have to share some of my older poetry so you can see what caliber I would like to get up to.

For now I bid you farewell.

We Cannot Do It On Our Own

(Disclaimer: The following is my own personal interpretation of the information provided based on my own personal revelation and is not an official Church document.)

Another Sunday School lesson that has led me to a reflective mode.

In today's lesson the teacher said something like, "We did not bring about our own death - it is because of Adam. So we can't bring about our own redemption - only through the Savior."

First I'd like to talk about the first part of this quote - "We did not bring about our own death - it is because of Adam."  I understand the fall of Adam, of his transgression but that statement made it a little clearer.
    "Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy." 2 Nephi 2:25
Before the fall Adam and Eve lived in a state of innocence. Knowing no good because the knew no evil. Having no joy because they felt no sorrow. They were commanded to multiply and replenish the earth but were unable to do so because they did not have knowledge of good and evil. That is why the fall was necessary. Adam was a good man and willingly did everything the Lord commanded. I do have to interject this statement that Adam and Eve were chosen for their roles in the pre-existence. They knew what they were getting themselves into. They knew what had to happen but when they were brought to earth a veil was placed over their knowledge of the pre-existence (as it is with all of us) and they were no longer conscience of the decisions they had made in the pre-existence.
Adam was a good man. He willingly obeyed every command that the Lord set forth, including not partaking of the fruit of the tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. I suppose that is why the "serpent" turned to Eve, after not being able to tempt Adam, but it is also why I consider Eve one of the strongest women in the bible. Although she was not conscience that she needed to make the decision to eat of the fruit, she also knew she had to. The fall had to happen and Eve took that first step and in so doing so did Adam.
    "But of the tree of knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die." Genesis 2:17
As with not being able to bear children, Adam and Eve were unable to die before the fall. So by falling they not only were able to bring forth mankind but they also gave to man mortality. Both of which are invaluable gifts of the plan of salvation.

Now to the second part of the quote, "We cannot bring about our own redemption - only through the Savior."
Jesus Christ suffered for our sins in the garden of Gethsemane and on the cross. He paid the ransom for us. He gave us a way to overcome spiritual death which is separation of the spirit from the Father. However he also overcame physical death which is the separation of the spirit from the physical body by the resurrection. The resurrection is a free gift given to all those who have lived on the earth and who will live on the earth. In the days of the resurrections, we will all be reunited with our physical bodies regardless of our spiritual state. However only by accepting Jesus Christ as our Savior and by obeying the principles and ordinances of the gospel can we overcome spiritual death. We have to make that choice. We have agency - the ability to choose - as part of mortality, so to we have to choose to overcome spiritual death and we cannot do it alone. We have a partner to help us overcome spiritual death and we only have to accept Him as such, be obedient, and endure to the end and we can return to live with Heavenly Father and His son, Jesus Christ.

I testify of the truthfulness of these things, in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen

For more information:
www.lds.org
www.mormon.org
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