Remembrance

Please excuse me if this post seems disjointed and all over the place. You may have to be in my head to understand the connections.

Yesterday my cousin posted that it has been 7 years since my Grandpa died. My first thought was, "wow it has been 7 years" as I was thinking about how old Cole is. The reason I was thinking about how old Cole was is that I was pregnant with Cole when my Grandpa died unexpectedly in a tragic accident. It is the reason Cole has my Grandpa's middle name, Thomas. I will also share a special connection to this death and, this is perhaps the reason I was taken aback by my cousin's post, because the day they buried my Grandpa's ashes, Cole was born. At that time our family laid to rest family members in the family plot on or around Easter, that year it just happened to be the Saturday before Easter and the day that my little Cole was born. So I think of my Grandpa and how much I miss him so much more on Cole's birthday than the actual anniversary of his death.

Now back to my original train of thought. I also remember the time around which my Grandpa died because my Mom's birthday is just 3 days after it. I even remember my Grandma mentioning that they wouldn't forget her birthday and we did celebrate her birthday with my Dad's family at my Grandma's house.

Well that was another digress. The reason my cousin's post sat so uneasily with me is her and another cousin were mentioning fond memories of Grandpa and I couldn't help but me jealous. I do not have the close relationship with my extended family members - Grandpa, Grandma, aunts, uncles, cousins - that I wish I had. I felt closer to all of them while I was growing up but as an adult I feel left out all the time. The family members that I felt closest to growing up, I feel, hardly acknowledge me at all now. I know that they all have their own lives and I guess it sounds petty but I can't help these feelings. I know that it is mostly my fault because I don't reach out to them since I am so introverted that I actually get anxiety about picking up the phone and calling people. While I was growing up I never called any of my grandparents, it almost gave me an anxiety attack to do so. I am a bit better as a grown-up but I still have to 'psyc' myself up to call people I don't know or don't know well. One experience that caused me pain, not at the time but looking back and seeing their reactions to other like situations, is that I usually only had my immediate family visit me in the hospital after having a child. I know this sounds extremely petty but I can't help but feel left out. With the children I had in Colorado, I completely understand and this doesn't bug me, nor the one I had in Bozeman, but the one I had in Helena does. My grandma did get come to visit me in the hospital when I had Devon, my only extended family member to do so, and she did die last year, so I feel extremely blessed that I did get that visit but none of my aunts and uncles, who lived in the area visited at any time after Devon was born. I am sure I got their congratulations and maybe a card or a gift but I feel left out again.

I have never discussed these feelings with any of my family members because they are my feelings, my issues, and not their fault, so I don't want to make anyone feel bad. I just feel jealous of the relationships my extended family have with each other and I don't have that.

Now back to remembering. I posted a picture of a candle on Facebook that said to share if you were missing someone who is in heaven. Then I started to list all those I missed - Grandma, Grandpa, MeMe (my Great-Grandmother with whom I shared a name), etc. Then I added a comment remembering (great) Grandma Jessie, (great) Grandpa Bill. Then I added one more comment - I miss both of my Grandpas, not just the one who died 7 years ago but also the one who died 21 years ago, when I was 11. I had been thinking about my relationships with my family and so I remembered my relationship with my Grandpa Fell. I felt we had a really good one-on-one relationship. I enjoyed his company and doing things with him and while it was so long ago that the specifics have faded the feelings still remain. As I was thinking of him I could feel this hole in my heart because he never got to see me grow up, get married, have a family, accomplish my life-long dream, and it sucks. I know that he is in the spirit world and probably knows all those things but I don't get to know how he feels about it. I don't get to see the pride or love in his eyes, when I accomplished those things. So this morning I wrote this all in a journal entry but decided to do something that scared me and share it with you because I felt I needed to. I have also been going through tissues like crazy because those memories bring the tears with them.

Thank you to anyone who reads this. I don't have many who will and that is probably why I felt safe sharing, since my family probably won't even read this either.

Thanks for allowing me to air my feelings.

~L